well, this isn't the first time that i have attempted composing a post, but i certainly am hoping that it would be my first successful attempt..... :-)
i lead a quite nice life for a regular eighteen-year-old, but sometimes i wonder if "nice" is a term that coulde describe all of the distressing moments that have been occuring in my life recently. i know that when you read this it would sound to you as if i'm implying that i am thoroughly depressed with my life. but alas! that is not to be, for my intentions in expressing these thoughts are purely self-directed. you see, in the very little days that i have spent as a "responsible person" in my youthful life, often i have pondered over the intelligence in my impulsive reactions to the unexpected turns that my life has taken with me. often i fear that my judgements are not that justifiable.
i have come to realize that my emotions are ones that tend to create a turmoil within me, making me more confused that ever about how i have been feeling lately. one of my friends died recently, and i had never felt any sorrier that i had that day when i'd come to realize how we all have drifted from one another; such strangers we've become that for the first time when we'd all gotten together this year, it had been to mourne over the departure of one of us. to cry over the fact that that dwindling spark was there no more. much have i pondered over my unexpressed fear that it is how it will be ending for all of us. grately have i regretted the feeling of guilt that keeps naggind at my concience...telling me that if my friends and i dont think of a way to come back together it is going to be this way that we will all be saying our goodbyes.
moreover, i cannot seem to open up with my peers at work. i know one thinks of workmates as proffesional acquaintances, yet in my line of work, the people i work with are closer than sisters. and yet i cannot seem to relent to my craving to share my feelings with them, for often i fear that they may not be able to empathize with the tumoils that seem to be going through me as easily. for even i seem to ba at a loss for words when it comes to describing my dejected emotions.
for all i know, i may be able to conquer these haywire emotions and get my messy life under some order in my own time and space. i truly am hoping that i do it soon, for i do not think i can live thinking these thoughts much linger. anyway, untill i can think of a way to express more cheerful thoughts, aloha!